Again, don't expect a good title anytime soon. And I'm sure you can see where this blog is headed. Right into the gutter. But it's a pool gutter. And it's on a roof. And it's two pools. And one had a staircase
through it.
This weekend started off with me going to bed on Friday night at about 8 o'clock. It was either that, or go to some outside (sweaty) bar where people wear Guy Harvey shirts and sip Bud while listening to the shitty sounds of Jimmy Buffett. Of course no one around here wanted to wear fancy shoes and make fun of other people for trying to be fancy, so staying in was really my only option. Then I got up early on Sat. and started preparing for the shoe sale at Neimans. I was hoping that Shoe Guy would come through. At first I was a little pissed at Shoe Guy because he was supposed to set aside my snakeskin d'Orsay Manolos. (I can't believe that they actually went on sale! I would post a pic but there aren't any online for some reason?) He was also supposed to set aside my Alexander McQueen works of art, but he didn't. But, if all goes as planned, I will be getting a sensible pair of Louboutins and a super hot pair of Manolos at about 75% off. Of course, nothing goes as planned - esp. when I'm trying to be sneaky - so we shall see.
I also felt kinda bad b/c Shoe Guy wanted a hug before I left, and I was wearing a sundress, so I got deoderant on his black suit. But I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I did something gross, so I just let it go. But then I felt bad about him walking around with Shower Clean Degree all over his shoulder (he's short!). Hopefully one of his coworkers pointed it out to him.
I got home and realized that even though MGC was in Napa, my favorite super devious fun Gay had just moved into a new condo in Fort Lauderdale. So I threw six pairs of heels and as many bikinis into a bag and headed down to where the bois are. (Stop!) We went to swanky bars and I wore a lot of polka dot dresses. Super Devious Fun Gay (SDFG) had a rooftop pool, so we did some daytime drinking and made friends with the building gossip. We also took a lot of pics of ourselves. We decided to buy a raft (awesome) and Rose's Pomengranate mix (awesomer) to mix with vodka. The high fructose corn syrupy goodness inspired all sorts of booty tooching/tilted head drunk perma grin shenanigans. Here is me managing to do both, while almost rolling off the raft.
Then we went to more fancy bars and the next day we decided to go to a fancy rooftop pool bar. So fun! The crowd was kinda cheesy, but after a few RBVs we started talking to all the people who we'd previously been making fun of. And I'm sure the feeling was mutual, since as soon as I lied/bribed our way into prime sunbathing real estate, we pulled out the heels and camera and started making fools of ourselves. Then, when we were packing our stuff to leave SDFG turned into a klepto and made me steal a fancy towel and some random Polo shirt that'd been left alone for five hours. Then SDFG said I couldn't keep the towel, but I could have the shirt?? But he wasn't sober enough to hide the towel all the way under his bed, so I stole it back, and left him the shirt. I figure he can get another, right? I tried to speak Spanish for a few hours in order to sober up. I feel sorry for those people. And then I started my long drive home at about 11:30. Yeah, that would mean four hours of sleep for me. If I hadn't consumed 5 cans of Red Bull.
I realized that I forgot to eat lunch and dinner, so I grabbed a bag of Doritos (I don't even smoke pot) at the gas station and promptly dumped them all over the floor of my car. I was so hungry and in a rush that I started eating the ones on top. And maybe some from the middle of the pile. Don't act like you've never been there!
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