'Mo Better Blues

What, were you expecting a classy title?  So I spent another weekend with MGC (My Gay Couple) down in Fort Lauderdale.  I'm starting to think that they are the men I've been looking for my whole life.  We just have so much fun together!  None of my girlfriends around here like to shop, or wear short shorts and heels, or have photo shoots on pool furniture.  And I would never let a straight guy pour champagne on my chest.  But it's hilarious when a gay guy does it.  And even though it looks slutty and degrading, it's really not, because no one is turned on.   Of course, it's a little tragic when everyone starts canoodling and I begin contemplating banging on random doors looking for The Straight Neighbor.

 Here are some highlights from my two weekends with them...

See, everyone looks amazing in nude pumps. 

MGC and I are sitting at brunch and notice a gorgeous guy go into the breakfast place across the street.  The table of skanks next to us notices, too.  Half of MGC picks up his iPhone and tells me he is calling the restaurant across the street and is having a mimosa sent over to the hot guy from me.  We call and the other half of MGC talks to the hostess and tries to describe him and my only contribution is yelling, "His shoulders are so broad he couldn't fit through the door," multiple times.  Then we're told that they only take cash, and MGC knows this is bullshit and say that they know they take Amex, and then they offer to put their card down since I have neither a real job nor a real credit card.  But, as is always the case with me, the guy is with his girfriend (was hoping it was his sister), and a short while later he emerged with a revolting hybrid of JWoww and Snooki, and the two drove off together in his C-Class, minus me and my mimosa. 

[Actually, I have no idea what kind of Mercedes it was, but I'm sure MGC knew the year and model.  I had a slight faux pas when I was introduced to more gays at a pool party last weekend and said that an X3 was my dream car, and my favorite new gay was all, "Oh honey no, you need to dream bigger than that.  That's just sad."  But really, it's small and would fit all my boards and would still go fast and be safe and get good mileage.   But I decided that some things are better left unsaid.]

MGC is also introducing me to Straight Girl's Guilt.  One of them always makes very astute social commentary that kind of breaks my heart.  You see, they were initially reluctant to wear heels and bikinis to the pool (okay, I couldn't talk them into that - yet), and he said that he had a pair of heels and noted how just something as ridiculous as a shoe makes people incredibly uncomfortable if it's worn by a man.  If I wear menswear, it's cute and fashionable.  No one wants to kill me if I wear a pair of wingtips, either.  But anyway, I don't want to bum you out.  So back to the fun...

As I said, last weekend, one of them took me to a pool party.  I wasn't sure which heels to wear, so Astute Social Commentator (ASC) told me to bring both options.  And then I threw in an extra pair, b/c you never know.  We walked in and immediately spied a giant merkin posing as brown shag carpet.  We couldn't wait to pose on it.  And when my new friends ran out to get more vodka, I used my amazon super strength to threw the ottoman against the wall while ASC set the timer on his camerea.  To make things even more ludicrous, there was a dog (Rico) who had one of those satellite collars.  It was reflective, too.  We giggled that they would probably catch us, and then we got down to business.  Burt's spread in Cosmo was our inspiration, and no straight guy would know this reference. 

We were laughing so hard that we didn't hear them get back.  I made a mad dash for the stairs. 

Okay, I give up because this stupid blog isn't aligning things the way I want and this is taking too long and I have to go to bed.  And I don't want to leave you hanging, so know that ASC had the presence of mind to put the ottoman back and pose casually on the couch while I cowered on the stairs convulsing with laughter.  The gays knew instantly what we were up to, but five minutes later they were trying on heels and posing on the chaise lounges (which should be "longues" but people are so stupid that if you say it the right way people think you're stupid and I am stupid for writing about etymology), so it wasn't too big of a deal. 

And here is the newest ad for D&G's summer campaign.  And yes, I am considering changing the name of this blog to Hagazon.