Crooked Horizons

I made it all the way to CA safely.  And then I slipped and fell on the bathroom floor after my first shower.  But I was expecting something to go wrong, so my ninja-like reflexes kept me from breaking any bones.  And now I'm waiting for UPS to deliver a bunch of clothes that I have no room for. 

The house is adorable, my roommate is super-cool, and there is a great yellow lab who shall remain in my good graces as long as she doesn't eat my shoes.

I am a little concerned because there are no heat vents in my room. 

Here's my yard with the boards that are finless because I can't find the screws for their fins.  (I'm not riding the shortboard yet.) And I also took some pics from Summer Solstice vball last night. 

I apologize for my absence!

I have been busy finishing school and packing up my life to move cross-country.  Everything has been going wrong, so I'll have plenty to bitch about on here once I'm settled.  Will try to update from the road, but technology has it in for me. 

I had to repack four times, in a heat index of 105 degrees.  Now I have the following 8.5 years of stuff crammed into my RAV4:

2 heavy longboards

1 shortboard

1 fish

1 heavy stupid beach cruiser

1 longass skateboard that I've avoided since I ate sh#t on it

3 heavy stupid paintings

70 amazing shoes

20 cute cocktail dresses

150 books stashed randomly in open spaces

3 wetsuits

1 blogger who is f#&king tired

1 Mom who is probably going to chain herself to my tailpipe if I try to leave

Mo' 'Mos

Again, don't expect a good title anytime soon.  And I'm sure you can see where this blog is headed.  Right into the gutter.  But it's a pool gutter.  And it's on a roof.  And it's two pools.  And one had a staircase through it.

This weekend started off with me going to bed on Friday night at about 8 o'clock.  It was either that, or go to some outside (sweaty) bar where people wear Guy Harvey shirts and sip Bud while listening to the shitty sounds of Jimmy Buffett.  Of course no one around here wanted to wear fancy shoes and make fun of other people for trying to be fancy, so staying in was really my only option.  Then I got up early on Sat. and started preparing for the shoe sale at Neimans.  I was hoping that Shoe Guy would come through.  At first I was a little pissed at Shoe Guy because he was supposed to set aside my snakeskin d'Orsay Manolos.  (I can't believe that they actually went on sale!  I would post a pic but there aren't any online for some reason?)  He was also supposed to set aside my Alexander McQueen works of art, but he didn't.  But, if all goes as planned, I will be getting a sensible pair of Louboutins and a super hot pair of Manolos at about 75% off.  Of course, nothing goes as planned - esp. when I'm trying to be sneaky - so we shall see.

I also felt kinda bad b/c Shoe Guy wanted a hug before I left, and I was wearing a sundress, so I got deoderant on his black suit.  But I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I did something gross, so I just let it go.  But then I felt bad about him walking around with Shower Clean Degree all over his shoulder (he's short!).  Hopefully one of his coworkers pointed it out to him. 

I got home and realized that even though MGC was in Napa, my favorite super devious fun Gay had just moved into a new condo in Fort Lauderdale.  So I threw six pairs of heels and as many bikinis into a bag and headed down to where the bois are.  (Stop!)  We went to swanky bars and I wore a lot of polka dot dresses.  Super Devious Fun Gay (SDFG) had a rooftop pool, so we did some daytime drinking and made friends with the building gossip.  We also took a lot of pics of ourselves.  We decided to buy a raft (awesome) and Rose's Pomengranate mix (awesomer) to mix with vodka.   The high fructose corn syrupy goodness inspired all sorts of booty tooching/tilted head drunk perma grin shenanigans.  Here is me managing to do both, while almost rolling off the raft. 

Then we went to more fancy bars and the next day we decided to go to a fancy rooftop pool bar.  So fun!  The crowd was kinda cheesy, but after a few RBVs we started talking to all the people who we'd previously been making fun of.  And I'm sure the feeling was mutual, since as soon as I lied/bribed our way into prime sunbathing real estate, we pulled out the heels and camera and started making fools of ourselves.  Then, when we were packing our stuff to leave SDFG turned into a klepto and made me steal a fancy towel and some random Polo shirt that'd been left alone for five hours.  Then SDFG said I couldn't keep the towel, but I could have the shirt??  But he wasn't sober enough to hide the towel all the way under his bed, so I stole it back, and left him the shirt.  I figure he can get another, right?   I tried to speak Spanish for a few hours in order to sober up.  I feel sorry for those people.  And then I started my long drive home at about 11:30.  Yeah, that would mean four hours of sleep for me.  If I hadn't consumed 5 cans of Red Bull.

I realized that I forgot to eat lunch and dinner, so I grabbed a bag of Doritos (I don't even smoke pot) at the gas station and promptly dumped them all over the floor of my car.  I was so hungry and in a rush that I started eating the ones on top.  And maybe some from the middle of the pile.  Don't act like you've never been there! 

"Oates seems confident."

I'm assuming you were lazy and ignored my post about Yacht Rock.  Here is the amazing 2nd episode.  But you have to watch the 1st one (see older post), or this won't be as funny.



If you go to yachtrock.com you can watch the other episodes.  The episodes that are posted don't work, so you'll have to download them.  It took a minute or two to download, fyi.

'Mo Better Blues

What, were you expecting a classy title?  So I spent another weekend with MGC (My Gay Couple) down in Fort Lauderdale.  I'm starting to think that they are the men I've been looking for my whole life.  We just have so much fun together!  None of my girlfriends around here like to shop, or wear short shorts and heels, or have photo shoots on pool furniture.  And I would never let a straight guy pour champagne on my chest.  But it's hilarious when a gay guy does it.  And even though it looks slutty and degrading, it's really not, because no one is turned on.   Of course, it's a little tragic when everyone starts canoodling and I begin contemplating banging on random doors looking for The Straight Neighbor.

 Here are some highlights from my two weekends with them...

See, everyone looks amazing in nude pumps. 

MGC and I are sitting at brunch and notice a gorgeous guy go into the breakfast place across the street.  The table of skanks next to us notices, too.  Half of MGC picks up his iPhone and tells me he is calling the restaurant across the street and is having a mimosa sent over to the hot guy from me.  We call and the other half of MGC talks to the hostess and tries to describe him and my only contribution is yelling, "His shoulders are so broad he couldn't fit through the door," multiple times.  Then we're told that they only take cash, and MGC knows this is bullshit and say that they know they take Amex, and then they offer to put their card down since I have neither a real job nor a real credit card.  But, as is always the case with me, the guy is with his girfriend (was hoping it was his sister), and a short while later he emerged with a revolting hybrid of JWoww and Snooki, and the two drove off together in his C-Class, minus me and my mimosa. 

[Actually, I have no idea what kind of Mercedes it was, but I'm sure MGC knew the year and model.  I had a slight faux pas when I was introduced to more gays at a pool party last weekend and said that an X3 was my dream car, and my favorite new gay was all, "Oh honey no, you need to dream bigger than that.  That's just sad."  But really, it's small and would fit all my boards and would still go fast and be safe and get good mileage.   But I decided that some things are better left unsaid.]

MGC is also introducing me to Straight Girl's Guilt.  One of them always makes very astute social commentary that kind of breaks my heart.  You see, they were initially reluctant to wear heels and bikinis to the pool (okay, I couldn't talk them into that - yet), and he said that he had a pair of heels and noted how just something as ridiculous as a shoe makes people incredibly uncomfortable if it's worn by a man.  If I wear menswear, it's cute and fashionable.  No one wants to kill me if I wear a pair of wingtips, either.  But anyway, I don't want to bum you out.  So back to the fun...

As I said, last weekend, one of them took me to a pool party.  I wasn't sure which heels to wear, so Astute Social Commentator (ASC) told me to bring both options.  And then I threw in an extra pair, b/c you never know.  We walked in and immediately spied a giant merkin posing as brown shag carpet.  We couldn't wait to pose on it.  And when my new friends ran out to get more vodka, I used my amazon super strength to threw the ottoman against the wall while ASC set the timer on his camerea.  To make things even more ludicrous, there was a dog (Rico) who had one of those satellite collars.  It was reflective, too.  We giggled that they would probably catch us, and then we got down to business.  Burt's spread in Cosmo was our inspiration, and no straight guy would know this reference. 

We were laughing so hard that we didn't hear them get back.  I made a mad dash for the stairs. 

Okay, I give up because this stupid blog isn't aligning things the way I want and this is taking too long and I have to go to bed.  And I don't want to leave you hanging, so know that ASC had the presence of mind to put the ottoman back and pose casually on the couch while I cowered on the stairs convulsing with laughter.  The gays knew instantly what we were up to, but five minutes later they were trying on heels and posing on the chaise lounges (which should be "longues" but people are so stupid that if you say it the right way people think you're stupid and I am stupid for writing about etymology), so it wasn't too big of a deal. 

And here is the newest ad for D&G's summer campaign.  And yes, I am considering changing the name of this blog to Hagazon.

Beard. Baritone. "Bloodbuzz Ohio."

What else do you need?


The National - "Bloodbuzz Ohio" (official video) from The National on Vimeo.


And keeping with the carried Ohio theme:




Don't mope all weekend!!  I'm off to hang with MGC.

And Just for Fun

You can watch this Zizek clip.  Ladyfingers showed it to me because he loves to insinuate that my liberal viewpoints do a poor job of masking my conservative, provinicial, Midwestern underpinnings.  I am quite sure he spends a large portion of his free time plotting ways to rile me up for his own amusement. 

Of course, I have major issues with Zizek's ecology as ideology argument, but you cannot fault his vigor or fashion sense.   This is from Astra Taylor's documentary "Examined Life."  His closing arugment about love  becomes less poignant once you recall what his wives look like.  But still, this part is worth watching.  The rest of the film is a pedantic parade (Judith Butler is the exception, imho) of namedroppers, and reminded both Ladyfingers and I of grad school brown nosing.  Ladyfingers hates Judith Butler.