Yay or Neigh?

This post will be 100% shoe-related.  No sads.

1. Review of Maybelline's Lash Stiletto mascara: 3.5 out of 5 stars.  I had to get the waterproof kind because I (obviously) have a problem with crying in public.  It is pretty decent for a cheap mascara.  I also like the packaging because I like shiny high heels, and the container itself is shaped like a stiletto.  So clever!  I also saw a girl who had amazingly long, shiny lashes and this is what she used.  I surfed in it today and it wasn't as waterproof as I would like it to be, so that's why it didn't get 4 stars.  But it's not clumpy, and it will lengthen your lashes.  It didn't give mine the promised patent shine, though.  So if you're bored and want a mascara that will lengthen without gooping, I'd say try it.  In Very Black, of course.

2. I was bored on Saturday and ended up at Neiman Marcus' shoe department.  I go there every few months and try on shoes that I never buy.  Instead, I hunt for them on ebay or wait for Saks' holiday sale so that they're half-price.  The same guy is always working in the shoe department and he always half-asks me out and give me his card.  He has earrings, a pit bull, and Versace glasses.  Not exactly my type.  Last time I was there, it was right before Valentine's Day (shocker, right?), and he said I should come hang out with him for Valentine's Day.  Now, what in the hell does this mean?  Was he preying on my retail therapy/relationship needs and trying to make a quick commission?  Was he asking a total stranger out on the most romantic/unmet-expectations-for-dates day of the year?  Was he gay? 

The gay thing isn't as cut and dry as it seems.  Yes, he works in the shoe department and wears pink ties and maybe had a silk handkerchief.  And yet he would constantly pick out the trashiest stripper platform strappy shoes for me to try on.  But they were the kind of shoes that a gay man who is pretending to be straight would pick out, because he's assuming a straight guy would like shoes like that, but no guy would actually like those shoes unless they were a creepy foot fetishist.  And then he could also be a creepy foot fetishist working his dream job, but if he liked strappy whore shoes, he'd have better luck at Bakers or Aldo.

So I walked in and he was so excited to see me.  And he asked how my Valentine's Day was.  Awkward.  He said I should have hung out with him because he didn't do anything.  So now I'm assuming he's straight.  Anyway, I tried on shoes that I had no intention of buying for about an hour.  And I realized that he is awesome on many levels.  We discussed Louboutins because they are every girl's dream, but they really aren't my favorite because the amoutn of toe cleavage that they show seems obscene to me.  But I do have a tax return coming.  And they are a great investment, and when you wear them everyone knows what they are and they are red with envy.  So I was thinking of getting a sensible pair so I could wear the eff out of them and get my money's worth.  But he reminded me that wasn't really the point of having a pair of Louboutins.  And if you're going to get a pair, you should get the fushcia, six-inch platform ones with sequins because they are so outrageous that everyone will want to look at them. 

We talked for quite a while.  It got quite philosophical.  He even remembered that I had already tried on a pair of Valentinos but didn't like them.  I also was the first to try on the new Manolos that have men's suspenders as straps.  He gave me his card for the third time, but this time he put his number on the back.  At first I was going to call him to see if I could get a major discount out of our date.  Although it'd be much easier to just have the alcoholic surgeon that I met on Friday buy me a pair of Louboutins.  But where is the story for my blog in that?  But I've decided that I don't want the discount (I'm lying), and that it will be great to go out with someone who will have a deep appreciation for my heels.  We shall see.

3.  Shoe guy made me try on a pair of platform heels.  They were quite comfy and made my legs look a bazillion miles long.  It is not fair that this trend is only for short people. The one trend that is for every woman is nude heels.  They shouldn't have any straps to break up the line of your leg, and if you have tiny feet, you should get pointy-toed ones because that will elongate your leg line that much more.  (If you have big feet, get peep-toes so you have more room, as the pointy toes tend to curl up like elf shoes on larger sizes.)  D'Orsay heels look more conservative than sandals because your heel is covered, but you don't get sweaty feet or blisters like you would from a pump, because they're pretty much like wearing a sandal.  I like Manolo's d'Orsays because they run a bit bigger in that style, and they have a little elastic band on the inside of the heel that keeps it from slipping off.

Anyfashionlessonsasideway, I broke down and bought a pair of platform heels.  And they are nude.  And they are beyond adorable.  But they are L.A.M.B. and I've hated Gwen Stefani ever since I saw the premiere of "Just a Girl" on 120 Minutes fifty years ago.  (But at least my students can spell bananas because of her.)  I guess buying her shoes isn't as bad as buying Jessica Simpson or Fergie shoes, but still.  I know I complain about my height, and it makes no sense to even wear heels, but I don't think I should have to miss out on fun shoes because I'm tall.  And these shoes have a little sea foam green logo on the sole of the shoe, which makes me happy.  But I'm not just tall in them - I'm scary tall.  Like I had to bend over slightly to pick up something on my counter.  I read what all of the celebrity bloggers say about Khloe Kardashian, and I don't want to remind people of her when I wear these.  Shoe Guy said that there is not much of a difference between 6'3" in heels and 6'5".    And if I'm already taller than every guy that I meet anyway, what is another two inches?  I don't want to look or sound like a Clydesdale while clomping around in them, though.

So, what do you think?  Keep them or take them back?  Could I wear them to work once I get a real job?  Or would that be too scary?