Fall Trends: Be Like Laird

But you will never be like him.  Here's why:  Laird is athletic.  Like, freakishly so.  You are not.  Subscribing to Outside and Men's Health magazines will not change this fact.  Instead of getting various degrees and devoting his life to the corporate machine, Laird spent all of his time working out, surfing, and overcompensating for his squeaky voice.  You chose a different path, and you must live with this decision.



This is not you.  Deal with it. 

I'm only bringing this up because if there is one thing that I hate more than entitled desk jockeys who can't do a bottom turn and ruin every wave by going straight on their SUPs, it has to be novice kite boarders.  Now, I'm all for people learning new sports and hobbies.  As long as they stay away from people until they are proficient.  Having $1400 to spend on a board that you won't be able to ride is great!  But it doesn't mean you are Laird.  You will actually have to put in some QT bruising yourself and your ego until you stop squatting while going straight.  I mean, if you want to learn how to be a racecar driver, you certainly don't go buy a Formula One car and start driving through your neighborhood or school zones doing 180 mph.  Right?! 

So you can imagine my dismay when I heard about the newest craze that's sweeping the balding, over-40 with something to prove crowd.  Uhm, Ess You Pee-pee-ers are now attaching kites to their SUPs. Isn't that windsurfing, you ask?  Or kitesurfing?  I really don't even know.  Don't you kitesurf because you get so amped on all the rad air you catch?  And the speed!  So thrilling!  Don't even worry about people and their earlobes getting caught in your kite lines as you lose control while doing some spastic/extreme board-grab.  Why would you want a kite attached to a 13-foot, 30-lb board that requires the use of an oar just to propel it?  What's the goddamn point? 



Don't forget your tunes!  Who wants to hear nature?  Or screams?

The goddamn point is that kitesurfing is too hard for most Johnny Utah come latelies, so I guess now they are going to take an out of control/shape SUP Laird wannabe and give him a kite to wreak havoc with.  It's true.   (I heard it the other day at Cardiff when I was on my longboard -- which I use as a crutch because I can't ride my shortboard on thigh-high mushburgers.)  And remember who told you about this awesome new sport that only real watermen will embrace.  You also need to look the part, so check out this new Chanel diving watch:  Time for a shaka! 

*Obviously this post isn't directed toward all kitesurfers/SUPers/Chanel wearers.  Only the ones who annoy me.  And people who are obviously trying to make a quick buck while pretending otherwise.