Halloween Hex

Last year I was all ready to go with my Halloween costume.  I was going to be Kim Zolciak from Real Housewives of Atlanta.  I was going to have my wig on crooked and walk around handing out copies of my single "Tardy for the Party" while chugging chardonnay from a giant goblet.  I even had a fake cigarette and the perfect red polyester dress from Ross.  And lots of masking tape for my boobs.  But Halloween morning I decided to go to a little surf gathering, and drove 90 miles just to check out some cool boards and see some cool people that I actually enjoy surfing with only because I don't see them that often.  Kinda weird:  I go to great lengths to avoid crowds while surfing at home, but see nothing wrong with driving two hours just to surf in a huge group. 

Neil requested more boobs.  You're welcome.

And I wasn't really having fun.  The waves kinda sucked, I wasn't catching much, so I decided to just start pulling into dumpy little closeouts so that my long drive wasn't in vain.  I drop in, get tossed, and as I'm paddling back out I see a flap of skin dangling from my arm.  Which was weird, because I didn't feel my fin hit me.  So I take a closer look and see that a decent chunk of my arm is missing.  And now I'm embarrassed because I have to get out of the water infront of everyone and be the only dork who got hurt in chest-high junk.  The shorepound is a little hard to negotiate, especially while I'm trying to hold my bad arm up and carry my fish with my close to useless left arm.  I look at the blood and feel a little queasy.  I simultaenously have visions of me passing out like a wuss, and/or mistiming my exit and getting washed up infront of everyone like a crippled seal.

Lawless sees me walking up the beach and is like hmm, you should probably wrap that in a towel.  But my towel is a pretty brown and blue special towel that was a present that matches my brown and blue board and my brown and blue bikini.  I tell him that it is a special towel that matches my board and outfit so I can't ruin it with blood.  Lawless rolls his eyes, but I think he gets it.  He begrudgingly offers his towel, which didn't look very special, but knowing Lawless it was made from a combination of virgin vegan free range wool and Malloy brothers pubes or some crap like that.  But then my friend Tweety intervenes and says that putting a towel on it will only hurt more when I have to take the towel off after it has dried/stuck to my bloody arm.  Lawless is glad he can keep his damn towel.  I obviously need a ride to urgent care, but there are waves in Florida, so no one wants to take me.  Tweety is the only one nice/clueless enough to make eye contact, so he has to give me a ride.  And then we almost die about 15 times on our way to the doctor because we keep getting lost and he thinks his gianormous SUV gives him license to make U-turns infront of oncoming traffic.

I texted this to my friends and they thought it was a Halloween prank.

While waiting to see the doctor, Tweety flirts with the receptionist.  I don't realize that I have to take the plastic wrapping off of the giant gauze maxi pad the receptionist gave me, and am basically smearing blood all over everything.   I whine that I'm going to pass out in hopes of getting in faster. This makes her bring me two mini Gatorade bottles. Tweety assumes one is for him because of course she is there to serve him drinks.  So he drinks my Gatorade while I'm about to die from loss of fluids/dignity.  (Wasn't exactly able to change out of my bathing suit, so I'm wearing a wet rashguard tank and shorts that have a wet butt b/c I couldn't take off my bikini bottoms.)  Finally get in to see the doctor, who's kinda cute, and I guess he is turned on by all of the dried blood and the fact that it looks like I peed my pants, so he tells me all of his secret sandbars and what tides they work best on.  He stitches me back up and I'm on my way, but now my arm really starts hurting.  I probably shouldn't have driven home with one arm, but I wasn't about to miss Halloween.

Needless to say, I was unable to summon the strength needed to get my costume on and had to stay home and miss Halloween.  I was upset, but told myself that my birthday was in 10 days, so that would make things better.  And then I got into my 3rd car accident the day before my birthday.  But hey, at least I was able to kill two birds with one stone and have my stitches removed while I made yet another trip to Urgent Care. 

My friend knows I'm down in the dumps and wants to do my hair for me (she was the one who got me the special blue and brown towel), so I go to see her.  On the way there, I get pulled over for speeding, on my birthday, in the dealership's loaner car.  I also had an open bottle of wine in the cup holder (wasn't drinking it - brought it for my friend because I'm classy like that and I didn't have time to stop and buy a bottle).  And since the car was a loaner, I had no idea where the registration was.  I didn't have to fake the tears for the cop.  He looked at the birth date on my license and could tell I was about to have a nervous breakdown.  He figured that there was no way someone would be dumb enough to speed in a stolen car (a Prius, no less) while drinking wine at 4 in the afternoon, and let me off with a warning.

So that was last year.  I was hoping for things to improve this year.  I mean, Halloween was going to be on a Sunday which meant you could also go out on Saturday, too!  I stayed in on Friday, just in case the Halloween Hex was still around.  I also didn't surf, just in case.  And then Sexty McSexterson texted (not sexted) me on Friday all grumpy and refusing to do Halloween.  I tell him that is unacceptable and help him come up with some costume ideas.  I tell him that somehow my friend got me a ticket to this really cool party and he should try to get a ticket and go with his friends and have a good time.  He agrees and is back to loving Halloween, and I feel like I'm a good friend.

Then I find out my friend (Vegas Model Judger) doesn't actually have a ticket for me.  Vegas Model Judger feels bad and heads over to get me one, just as Sexty McSexterson texts me that tickets are sold out and he probably got the last one that was up for grabs.  Things snowball after this, and I end up staying home as everyone else in the whole entire world goes out and has an amazing time while I sit at home watching Trailer Park Boys and texting Brooding Intense Tall Canadian Hero, who now thinks I'm dumb because I thought Halloween was an exclusively American affair. And then the ex texts me that he will always love me, which this always scares me, because I'm afraid he's about to do something bad.   Insomnia ruins my plans of getting a good night's sleep.  I lie awake, cursing the Halloween Hex.