From Jung to Jerkface

*Sung to the tune of Neil Young's "Hank to Hendrix" (Hi, Sue!)


I haven't written anything substantial ever in awhile, and I was waiting for something MAJOR to happen, either good or bad, before I updated.  I wanted to wrap everything up with a ribbon of meaning, but I have nothing.  Sorry.  I get it, we are all sick of Jerkface's cool act.  Don't worry, I'm going on a date with a new guy soon.  In the meantime, let me explain the title and fill you in on the last two weeks.

Two Tuesdays ago, GPG called me from the airport as he was on his way home from his mountain bike vacation.  I guess I am an entertaining way to kill an hour.  He said a lot of unexpected things, which caught me off guard.

GPG: "What are you doing on Thursday?  I will be staying up by you for work stuff, and I wanted to lock in Thursday night before you made a date with another guy."

Me: "Uhmmm."

GPG: "Oh, and I want to do something this weekend, too.  That is if you haven't already made plans with someone else."

Me. "Uhmmm." (Panicking over turn of events, do I reveal that, duh, I'm not a skank, so of course I'm not seeing anyone else?  But what if he is?  Then I will look pathetic.  But what if I leave it up in the air and then that makes him decide to see other people when he really isn't only because he thinks I am?  Why is he asking me out for the weekend?) "Thursday sounds good.  I haven't made plans for the weekend because it's only Tuesday."  (Get nervous.  Change subject to surfing.)

~Ten Minutes pass with lighthearted chit chat.~

GPG: "I mean, I can't go out with you this weekend.  I know that you want to do something on Saturday night, but I just can't promise you that now, and then cancel later and have you get mad at me."

Me: "Uhmmmm."  (Did he not just ask me out for this weekend ten minutes ago?  WTH?)

GPG:  "And I'd like to cook for you, too." 

Me:  "I'm not really into that."

GPG: "But that's like the most intimate thing you can do for someone."

Me: "I'd have more fun eating at a restaurant.  They won't have their feelings hurt because I'm a picky eater."  (I have major food anxieties, and I really hate eating stuff I don't like and pretending to like it, and then the cook is personally insulted because they catch me putting shit in my napkin.  I also don't like how "Let me cook a gourmet meal for you" soon turns into "I have a frozen pizza and some gross cheap beer. Let's stay in and watch the game instead of going out."  Not to mention, some people view cooking for their favorite meal for you in the way that I judge people based on whether or not they love my favorite songs.)  "I'm not much of a homebody, and would prefer an actual date where we go out."

GPG: "Sounds good, let me know when you're taking me out."

Me: "Touché.  You know what I mean.  I'm down with having a snugglefest at some point, but would rather go out."

GPG: "Okay, so we will have a snugglefest soon.  And you will love my cooking."

Me: "I am not into tacos made with the gray meat-type substance you have in your fridge.  And I don't like balogna sandwiches, either."

GPG changes subject to how he hung out all day with his brother's girlfriend and how cool it is to hang out with someone that he gets along so well with.  I wonder if he is in love with her.  Why else would he bring that up?  Unless he is trying to say that he would like to have a girlfriend soon?  Or that he just wants to be friends? We agree to hang out on Thursday and hang up.

Now of course I wanted to run to my blog and tell everyone about this turn of events, but then the realist in me took over, and I told myself to wait, b/c knowing him, he would flake on Thursday and weekend plans.  He texts me a dorky picture on Wednesday and I wrote something mushy in return.  Don't hear from him to confirm plans, so I went to see a movie with SeaPony on Thursday instead.  GPG texts me at 9:30 that night to tell me that he just got home from work and is up by me, but has a roommate at his hotel, but would still like to see me.  I ignore.  Then I get a text from a number that I don't recognize saying that someone was at a wine bar in TX and thought of me because of a song they heard.  (No, I'm not telling you the band b/c it is a band that is a guilty pleasure and I have to keep my indie cred intact.)  GPG calls at 10, asking where I am and telling me to head over to hang out with him and his work friends, and that he is sorry that he misunderstood the arrangements and actually has a roommate in his suite.

Now, seriously, WHAT THE EFF?  No call from him to confirm, and then he thinks I'm going to drop everything to go hang out with him and a bunch of corporate dickheads at 9:30 at night?  NO.  I decide to ignore him until Saturday.  (I mean, at some point he has to understand that I will not tolerate this bullshit.   At some point he must realize that he can't live without me.  And then I will promptly lose interest.)  I begin to wonder why he even called.  I mean, it wasn't even a booty call since he had a roommate.  Are we transitioning to the friend zone?  I decide to get drunk and make out with someone to get my mind off of GPG.  But then I drank a beer and got tired and went home instead.

I wake up the next morning and remember the mystery text and set about finding out who it was.  When I go to open my email, my word of the day is "synchronicity," which makes me laugh because I have a feeling that I know who wrote the mystery text, and this word reminds me of him.  The text is from a guy from college who totes "got me" and my taste in music.  And I loved talking to him about how everything needed to have some deep meaning because that is what emo college freshmen do.  But the thing you have to watch out for when you're known as someone who looks for meaning constantly, is that sometimes when you do things that have no meaning, people assume the opposite.

[Uhm, so okay, I had such a crush on this guy.  And duh, we both were the type who loved J.D. Salinger.  So for his birthday I gave him a copy of Franny and Zooey because he already had Salinger's other books.  No biggie, right?  I know I inscribed something, but can't remember what.  I know it wasn't anything mushy, though.  Anyway, I give him the book and he freaks out b/c he thinks that I am saying that he is Zooey and I am Franny and we are in love, which is totally bizarre because they are brother and sister!  And Franny is crazy.  I swear I just thought it would be nice for him to complete his Salinger collection, there was no secret meaning!!!]  He stops calling me, hooks up with my roommate, end of that story/friendship.  But since we are adults now, we kind of haven't mentioned ALL THAT and are back to talking, being careful to avoid any topics with meaning.

So of course the whole GPG/TX Text is so an example of "the experience of two or more events that are apparently causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner."  Because the TX Text was pretty random, considering I haven't heard from that guy in a long time, especially considering that the text came while GPG was pulling his usual crap.  Was this a reminder not to like standoffish guys because they will only crush my soul?  Or was it saying not to think about things too much?  I mean, my email word of the day picked a pretty significant word.  I think?  And THEN I got an email in response to my Chantilly Lace post stating that the song's second verse was probably the best second verse ever written in the history of music.  So of course that equals insta-crush on the emailer.  Except he lives where GPG just vacationed.  And GPG likes good music, but he doesn't "get it" the way I would like him to.  What does it all mean?  Of course, the whole point is that it means nothing, we just like to assign significance to random events in order to briefly escape our own personal hell that we're all living.

So I call GPG that Saturday.  I had gone to a party the night before and couldn't wait to tell him about all the fun he was missing by flaking on me.  I said that I was about to go to some random "restaurant" that he likes, and he responds with "I'm sorry, I can't go - don't feel like driving all the way up there for breakfast."  Uhm, what?  I told him that I wasn't inviting him and that he must be mentally unstable.  He laughs.  Conversation doesn't go well after that.  He doesn't even bring up Thursday night!  We ignore each other the rest of the weekend.  He texts me on Monday morning.  I ignore until Monday night.  He wants to do something during the week.  I text back that Thurs or Fri work for me.  Don't hear from him.  Get mad.  Text on Wed night asking if we are still on.  He replies that his career is killing him and that Thursday sounds good and to dress comfortably.  I assume he is going to cook dinner and that we are staying in for a snugglefest.

Alright, I have to go work on some other stuff,  but I wanted to the stage for our date first.  Check back soon.

How to Make Sizzurp

*This is not actual sizzurp, people!  If you're looking for that, go back to the google.

1. Steal  your friends' money and put it down your shirt.

2. Get out secret ingredient:  Pom-flavored bar mix with ENERGY that can only be found at Smart and Final.

3. Enlist help of sexy spokesmodel.

4. Get out gallon of Ketel (29.99 at Vons) and whipped cream (buy one get one free).  Grab second can of whippped cream once you realize that your friends know you take a shot straight from the opened can for breakfast every  morning.

5. Mix Ketel and Energy/Pom.

6. Prepare whipped cream for dispensing by emulating Katy Perry

7. Enjoy with sexy spokesmodel

No. I Cannot Grab You a Beer While I'm Up.

I went out on a date with GPG last Tuesday, because he was leaving the next day for a week's vacation.  Initially, I didn't want to go because I didn't want him to think that I was the kind of girl who was available to go out on a Tuesday with very little notice.  I asked my friend and she said that if he was trying to hang out with me on the one night he was in town before he left town again, it was a good sign.  She told me not to make everything into a moral dilemma and to just go have fun.  But making everything into a moral dilemma so that I can feel superior to others is fun.  But only the former involves wearing high heels.  Oh yeah, the heels.

GPG texted me to make sure that I wore a skirt and heels.  I was a little relieved because at least that meant I wouldn't be sitting around on the couch with him while he tried to save his energy for traveling.  I was kind of impressed that he was making the effort to go out on a weeknight.  I spent a lot of time getting ready and decided that his effort was worthy of the coral Gucci heels and my Irresistible Sundress (it has never failed me). 

What followed was out of every woman's worst nightmare.  Yes, it was THAT cliche. 

I go to knock on his door and can see him sitting on his couch.  I can also see that the door is open, but I still knock and wait for him to come open the door.  The way polite people do.  He tells me that it's open.  "I can see that," I want to say, but refrain.  I enter.  He is lying on the couch, drinking a beer in his shorts, watching football!

OMG I HATE FOOTBALL SEASON

I see that he is also hooked up to some muscle shocking machine (pulled groin, indeed), which he explains is the reason why he couldn't get up to let me in.  He pats the empty spot next to him on the couch.  I flounce over and plop down.  My boobs almost pop out of my Irresistible Sundress.  He tells me I smell like candy.  I'm not sure if he's talking about my new Dove Pomegranate deoderant (good stuff!), my Missoni Acqua perfume (discontinued!), or my Frederick Fekkai  shampoo(lifesaver!).  I think it was probably my deoderant.   I can see him trying to look down the front of my Irresistible Sundress, so I get up. 

"While you're up, can you grab me a beer?"
"Excuse me?"
"Well, I'm hooked up to this machine and I can't move."
"Did you just ask me to fetch you a beer?"
"Haha, come sit back down and I will be finished in two minutes and then I will get up and make you a drink.  Does that sound better?"
"Yes..We're going out right?"
"No way!  I'm exhausted. It's Tuesday! Why would you think we're going out?"
"Because you said to wear heels and a dress!  Why would you say that if we were staying in???"
"Because I'm a pervert?"

Well, this wasn't exactly how I envisioned my night unfolding.  But, to GPG's credit, he got up and made me a drink.  (He is good about remembering how I like my drinks and coffee. Except that 90% of girls order vodka sodas and not too much cream in their coffee.)  I noticed that he was sticking to beer, so I knew that meant he was planning on putting forth more effort during sexy times.  This made me happy. 

The "restaurant" that he picked did not.  Actually it wasn't that bad; he just lives in a not-so-nice part of San Diego.  And I always like to go out of my way to pretend that I'm scared every time we go out in his neighborhood so that he will avoid taking me to gross places in the future.  But we had a fun time and he makes a point of telling me how much we have in common.  That is a tactic for suckers and people who believe in psychics.  I will not fall for commonality banalities.  He says he thinks it's funny when I call him on his shit, like the beer fetch attempt.  I express how sad it is that my Gucci heels had to step in this icky establishment.  He laughs.  We make it home without being mugged.  Although I did mention the possibility several times.

He tries to pull out all the stops during sexy times.  I appreciate the effort.  I still sleep on the couch.  Sleeping on the couch really sucks because the blanket only covers one half of my body, so I have to alternate covering body halves every hour.  (Tonight he admitted to giving me a small blanket so that I'd get cold and come back to bed.  This is cute.  I think?)  I decide not to be polite the next morning and bolt when it's convenient for me.  This works for both of us.

And being bitchy is working for me.  But I think it's really just because I'm being myself.  I will admit that I almost got him that beer because it was the nice thing to do.  So glad I resisted the urge!  But just in case that book is working some kind of voodoo marriage magic, I brought up the two subjects you are to NEVER bring up:  ring shopping and marriage.  I mentioned how my roomie had decided to get engaged and how she and her long distance boyfriend skype about what kind of rings he should buy her.  The whole conversation made GPG very uncomfortable.  Good.

I'm tired.  I will update later.

Get Your Gloss On

I hope your morning coffee experience was better than mine.

No, I will not stop using it.  I should use the mug it comes with, but I like using my Hawaii mug.  Of course it tipped over and fell after I had added the sugar.

Since it is freezing and flat again, I will use this time to make inane posts about lip gloss.  First up we have the combo that I have found to work the best.  Now, a bit about me:  I am lazy.  I have a teeny mouth.  I forget to reapply.  I drink.  I lose stuff rather easily, so I don't like to pay more than $8 for any cosmetic. I feel that lip glosses are a cheap way to make yourself feel pretty.

This combo stays on the longest, and will often stain glassware.  Highly recommended.
Cover Girl Outlast Lipstain goes on first.  It is dry, so you can't wear it alone.  You can even go outside your lipline!  Then put L'Oreal Infallible 6-Hour Lipgloss over it.  Any other long wearing gloss is drying and disgusting.   This duo will stay on through anything and lasts about four hours.  Only drawback is that the Infallible gloss doesn't taste very good.

So if you want to add a third coat, I would suggest Cover Girl Shine Blast or Maybelline Shinesational.  Both taste good and are glossy without much pigment.  If you are looking for gloss and pigment, I'd go with Revlon ColorStay Mineral Lipglaze.  But it's too matte for me, so I usually blot a little and put on a gloss topcoat that tastes good.

If you want a piece of crap drying lipgloss, I'd go with Cover Girl Wetslicks AmazeMint gloss.  (It's the one with the blue cap.) It tastes like toothpaste.  And I think it's supposed to freshen your breath?  Except that Cover Girl forgot how drying toothpaste is.  Definintely don't recommend this one.  Unless you have halitosis and a weird-colored tongue that you need to camouflage.  Don't put this stuff on your lips!

Waxing Nostalgic

I love my Yater Spoon.  It belonged to a very cool guy who passed away and I ended up with it.  I think most people recognize the board's name from Lt. Kilgore requesting his Yater Spoon in Apocalypse Now.  I would have liked some napalm when I surfed Cardiff tonight.  But only because the waves were micro and it was a really long wait in between sets.  And the water is back to freezing again.  And it was crowded.

This little kid, about ten, paddles out singing "Chantilly Lace" and is just kind of cracking me up.  I used to love that song when I was four; it was on a rockabilly tape my dad always played when he had to drive to an away basketball game, and he would take my sister and I along.  I have a really fond memory of not feeling well before one of the games, and the national anthem was about to start, so my dad was ignoring me.  I threw up all over the gymnasium floor while everyone watched and kind of saluted me. 

Anyfondmemoryway, I asked this kid how he knew that song.   He said he was watching The Buddy Holly Story with his dad, and his dad had been playing it after they watched the movie.  I wanted to tell him that I was his age when that movie came out, but then I remembered how much I hated people saying shit like that to me when I was little.  As if I cared about what happened in their childhood? 

The kid he asks me what I'm riding.  I told him it was a Yater.  He asked if it were a Spoon. I was like, "Uhm, yes, it is."  He said, "Yeah, Yater pretty much perfected that shape."  I told him he could try it out if he wanted, but he declined.  There were a lot of surfdads out, so I couldn't tell which one was his, but I really did enjoy this kid's moxie.   Kudos to his dad for getting his kid started on the classics.

Obviously I have nothing going on in my life right now.  I will update on GPG and lip glosses soon.  Here is a cute video for you to watch in the meantime.  (Had chewing gum just been invented?)  I think Justin Timberlake should cover this song.  Or Lil Wayne.

French Bulldog Full-court Press

Coffee Update
Still using the new coffee maker.  The French press can suck it.  It isn't green.  It isn't good for the environment.  It makes weak coffee.  Here's why:
-Energy used to boil water on stove
-Three times the amount of grounds needed = more trips to grocery store, increased carbon emissions, eventual deforestation and environmental apocalypse accelerated
-Much water and soap is wasted as you spend hours washing the damn thing

So, I will not give up on my Black and Decker.  Although it is now perched on a shelf,  and because our house leans to one side, I just caught my magic mug before it slid off the too-small platform today.  The mug was a souvenir I got for an ex when I visited HI a few years ago.  Actually, I presented a paper to three people and got my school to pay for most of my trip.  I believe he tried to give the mug back to me, in lieu of rent money, one month.  So I didn't feel bad keeping it when I kicked him out. 

Dog Walk Update
Didn't go so well.  I walked in and the neighbor's dog understandably started barking.  Then he blocked the door.  So I just kind of stepped over him and tried not to snoop through anything.  Dog didn't like me putting the collar on him, but I knew I couldn't show fear.  Or disgust.  Dog seems kind of excited to go outside, until he decided I was trying to dognap him and refused to leave his yard.  So, like a moron, I walked him around the perimeter of the house several times.  He was over that soon and just sat on his fat haunches, glaring at me with bulging, bloodshot eyes.  So I put him back inside.  Neighbor texted me thanking me for walking the dog.  I told him the dog wouldn't walk.  He replied:  He's just like his Poppa and doesn't like to be on a leash. 
Yeah.  Awesome.  Didn't reply to that one.

Something good almost came out of it when a never before seen hot neighbor came by with his dog the other night when I got back from surfing.  My roommate's dog was so happy to see me that she jumped up on the fence and licked me.  Hot guy with dog thought that was cute.  And just as we start to fall madly in love, annoying neighbor walks up and says, "Hey, do you like beer or wine. I'll bring over either."  Hot guy walks away.  But not before I made a mental note of the time that he walks his dog.  I told short neighbor, who I noticed owns a copy of Jesus Surfs, not to worry about it.

I feel like dogs know boundaries but play dumb.  My roommate's dog isn't allowed in my room b/c of my allergies.  So she always lies just outside my door, making sure that at least six inches of her front paws are in my room.  I know she's doing it just to mess with me.  Here is what she looks like after I move her paws back beyond the imaginary boundary.  She waits until I'm not looking and then moves them back.

Just One of the Few Awesome Ideas I Had This Week

It's finally summer in San Diego.  But the ocean is still frigid.  I hate wearing my fullsuit -- too hard to get in and out of without flashing everyone.  And the sun's hot enough to where you really only need something to keep your legs warm.  Duh:  neoprene legwarmers!  Sure, your feet will be cold, but you will look so cute!  Granted, they could only be worn on small longboard days, or else you'd have to worry about them coming off.  Getting them to slouch just-so would be a challenge, but it's doable.

As a child of the '80s, whose parents made her walk to school during blizzards, I often wore leg warmers when I wanted to wear my favorite outfit (lavendar ruffled miniskirt with matching pink unicorn sweatshirt).  Stupid Ohio winters/lazy parents weren't about to keep me from looking cute.  I had pink ones.  They were so hot, and I couldn't wait to be cast in Fame as the talented seven-year-old ballerina that guest star Ralph Macchio would fall for. 

My sister had rainbow ones which I hated because they were too thick and went up too high.  But when it was really cold, my mom would make me wear my sister's.  Uhm, why don't you just freaking drive me to school instead, Mom???  I would also like some thigh-high UGGS for the winter.  Another company came out with over-the-knee shearling boots, but they don't go up high enough.  And before you think I'm lazy and wonder why I can't put on sweat pants, you should know that putting on pants of any kind is too hard when your hands are frozen and you are too numb to dry off, so that you can never get your pants pulled up over your wet butt even though your butt is rather flat.  I'm pretty sure worrying about the winter in the middle of August is just another drawback of trying to live with cryophobia.  Don't worry, I'll be strong for you guys!